HOMGZ I LIVVVEEEE. :U

[++darky.]

Allo, fewls. 8D
Darky has returned from her long hiatus after recieving the newsletter.
And taking some time to recover the lost URL.
So anyhow, during her time away from LakeClan and busying herself with other things, Darky has managed to type up one and a quarter chapters for her upcoming story.

The plot is admittedly one you'd see in the TVs or movies nowadays, but I was brain-drained and wanted to try something different. I assure you, the story was originated from my mind only, not some show or something.
Although, I spotted the latest programs on the channels that my mom watches, so yeah ...
We'll see if I decide to modify the plot and the story completely, or not.
I haven't planned out the whole plot, all the characters and et cetera, but that will all commence in due time.
So for now, I present to you my main character.

Irene Vertmon! (I have no idea what I was thinking when creating her name, lay off. :U)
Eleven-year-old prodigy in technology. ^_^
Now, I'll not reveal the plot to you all because I want to have my story judged from an outsider's view, so there you go.

I only have Chapter One at the moment .. Oh boo hoo, and yay for procrastinating. |D

[++darky.]

Chapter One: The Orphanage

The door crashed open, and with several resounding bangs, a pair of giant, heavy, leather boots with apparent metal clasps hit the wooden boards on the floor. Their owner did not care about the uplifted dust that was slowly choking the atmosphere as she stomped her way over to a table in those overlarge boots.
A head of dusty, dirty, long brown hair bent over the rusty, metal table and with another set of overlarge, metal-clasped gloves began to fiddle about with several gadgets thrust upon the tabletop.
Long hair pulled back in an untidy ponytail, a messy, spiky fringe hastily swept to one side of her black, smudged, young face. Brightly auburn eyes, almost orange, were fixed upon the tool in her hands and undistracted.
This was what Irene Vertmon normally did after she had completed her daily chores in the eighty-year-old orphanage. The girl was locally known prodigy in this small city by the name of Ryatrin, specializing in robotics, techs, and such.
Ryatrin was located in the Second Dimension, thus far it differed from Earth in many different ways. Although there were a few catches.
She had remained in this orphanage since the age of two up to eleven, and by then she had already developed her interest in technology. It went unnoticed until the age of nine though, when Irene constructed a piece of machinery which could respond to voices and commands.
It followed as she was offered a place at a school and a laboratory, but Irene declined both for reasons unknown, and returned to the orphanage, where she turned the basement into a ‘lair’ of her own.
And here she was, in a dusty, old room that had only been in use for three years and still full of cobwebs, but in place of the real spiders, were nano ones. Ones which yours truly had built, and could respond to voice-activated commands. Irene suddenly spoke, in a commanding voice, “I’m hungry.”
Immediately, at least twenty of silver little critters scattered out of their hiding places, scurried up the basement stairs and into the hall of the orphanage. Irene flopped down onto the grimy, cold floor and crossed her legs. About five minutes later, after a yell and a smash, the nano-spiders returned with a bowl of pudding and a jug of water, each carried by about eight of them.
They approached the figure, lay the food on the floor and scurried back into the shadows after she had counted them. “Seventeen,” she repeated to herself. “Miss Reed is getting worse at squishing them,” and returned to the worktable.

******

About thirty minutes later, a shrill bell rang throughout the hollow halls and every orphan residing in the old house filed out of their rooms. All except Irene, who was still at the worktable.
She could hear the mutterings of the many children, aged two to thirteen, amplified and echoing due to them being above her. She ignored the sounds, pulled down her goggles and continued construction on the machinery she was focused on.
Not too long after this, the familiar, plump figure of Miss Reed appeared in the doorway. She uttered a croaking cough, scrunched up her nose at the dust, and turned to Irene. “Your porridge is getting cold, Irene.”
She turned away when the said girl nodded, made a few adjustments, and followed the caretaker up the stairs. Not many heads turned and Irene was glad of this. She greatly disliked unwanted attention.
Stiffly, the girl shuffled into the washroom and came out without her gloves, and slightly cleaner hands and face. Irene took her seat beside a girl with dirty-blonde hair and began with her porridge.

******

Not far off, in the country of Dernes, was a huge machine of destruction. People in white cloaks moved around the room, their whole selves about only half the size of that giant, mechanical head.
A black-haired man with a goatee approached the back of the head on a silver, levitating circular platform, in his gloved hands a small disk. That was inserted into an indent, and he called out to someone standing near a lever of some sort.
The person nodded, and wrenched down the lever. Those bright, circular eyes on the head of the robot lighted up, and the robot began moving its gigantic arms.
The room was soon full of a chorus of triumphant yells. Those nine years had not been wasted.

So now, here we have a very short chapter one of my story. This will be lengthened in future, probably.
Advanced critique, although constructive, would be appreciated. =D

[| | Fudgey | |]

AGILEHLEUEBDHSUILIE&L*YBLJH!
I like it!

Wait...that wasn't very constructive was it.
xxxDD

Well...it's really interesting, I've obviously never seen the TV program because I've never heard anything like it. The last paragraph slightly confused meh but I liked the last line.
xD
It pretty much sums up what just happened.
It's very good - when's Part 2 coming out?
=D

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[++darky.]

Thanks!
Any other comments? I'm aiming for readers' interest at the moment ...

Hmm, the second paragraph ... I'll look into that.
A few people said that the start of the chapter was slightly confusing because the setting seemed blurry.
Does that apply?

Anyway, thank ye for the review, I'll edit when I get more. c:
Chapter Two should be finished soon, if I'm in the mood to do it.
Although, I'm on a long-post streak this month, so hopefully I'll get the chapter and some roleplaying done before it goes.

[kittywinkins]

DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
-super ultra mega flying tackle-
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!

Oh, and by the way, I like the story. ;P

[ask]

AM I AN OUTSIDER TO YOU DARKY? AM I?!?!?!?! -abuse of teh exclamationz lolz- -shot-
BUT BEFORE YOU REPLY I GIVE TO YOU THIS.

[smiley.]

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

[| | Fudgey | |]

GYHA!
CRAZY DOG-THINGS!!!
*runs round in circles slapping furniture with kippers*

...

-kipper'd-

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[smiley.]

WHAT IS A KIPPER?
IS IT A FISH?
OR A BALL OF YOGURT?

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[| | Fudgey | |]

A fish...
D'uh!

...


Hang on....
=D
Ball of Yogurt...

*throws Yogurt at Smiley*

-yougurt'd-

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[++darky.]

DUN HAS YOGURT FIGHTS ON MAH THREAD, PLZKTHX.
(I really do need critique on my story ... Wasn't that the point of my posting it anyway? =P)

AND TO FROSTY, I GIVE YOU THIS:


NO STEALING THAT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. |D

[| | Fudgey | |]

Awwww!
Kitteh eating sweetcorn!
Where did you find it?

*throws yogurt ball at kitty*

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